Testament 2 - 6

Hong Kong Type #9

6.

After coming back from the printmaking workshop, that night I dreamed of meeting the characters spirits. Was it a dream? I really couldn't be sure. At the time, I was sitting in front of my laptop, facing a blank screen. I didn't know what to type, but my hands started to move on their own accord. Ming font characters started appearing on the screen. I always used the software default Ming font. Somehow, some unexpected characters started to come out, as if someone was having a conversation with me.

The words said they were the Hong Kong Type, and they were also called character spirits. Hong Kong Type is a kind of typefaces cast in lead, a tangible entity. However, it can also be referred to as a kind of font. Of course, the font can be displayed on a screen. When the character spirits appeared, the New Ming font displayed on the screen indeed looked a bit different than usual. But if they were spirits, it meant they were intangible entities.

Then, are they objects, forms, or spirits? Conversing with the character spirits was intriguing. They promised to tell me stories, something I was eagerly anticipating. However, the character spirits had not shown themselves again after that night. From this, I understood that there were no gains without efforts. I should start reading books and searching for materials as soon as possible.

Miss Yung had given me a thick book titled From Carving to Casting, written by Taiwanese scholar Su Jing. She said it was the most comprehensive work on the casting of Chinese movable type in the 19th century. I could use it as a basis to trace back to the origins step by step. I used to be able to finish a book of over 500 pages in two or three days, but now my mind was uncooperative and I found it hard to concentrate. I lost track after reading a few pages, forgetting the context and had to constantly go back and re-read. In fact, this wasn’t a difficult book, its facts and analysis were very clear. If I can't even get past this hurdle, how can I hope to resume my studies at university? Thinking of this, I felt despondent and anxious. I gritted my teeth and continued reading, hoping that my brain would gradually return to normal.

While reading, I was busily making notes and listing bibliography, too eager to find other related books. I searched through the university library system online, pinpointed several must-read works, then decided to borrow them in person. It was strange that even this task required courage. I didn't understand why the university had become for me a place full of dangers, as if it was packed with predators. What am I actually afraid of? Because I was scared to go back alone, I asked Little Poor to accompany me.

Having stayed away from the campus for more than half a year, I found that the scenery hadn't changed much, but it felt strangely unfamiliar. As I left the railway station, the entrance to the campus was tightly guarded by security staff, requiring us to show our student ID for entry. The long lines usually seen at the school bus stop were absent. Little Poor explained that due to the pandemic, many in-person classes had been cancelled and replaced with online teaching. No wonder the campus seemed so deserted.

I felt a responsibility to see Professor Xin and update her on my recent circumstances, so I headed first to the office of the Chinese Department. Professor Xin is a graceful person, and so is the decor in her office. I had been tutored here before, and it always felt comfortable and secure. However, the elegant Professor Xin also has a bold side. Firstly, she drives very fast. Her red car is often seen whizzing around the campus. Secondly, she is often late for class, causing the students who come for tutorial to wait anxiously. Today, I arrived earlier than the scheduled time, but luckily, Professor Xin was already in her office.

Professor Xin wore a light red mask, which matched well with her purple dress. I suddenly missed the days of attending classes, but like a bankrupt person recalling the wealthy life of the past, I also felt a sense of sadness. When the professor asked me why I suddenly returned to the university, I told her about how I started doing research for an upcoming exhibition.

“That’s a good sign! It means you’re regaining your motivation for life!”

“But I still feel that my brain is dull and unresponsive.”

“The brain, like muscles, can become weak if it lacks exercised, but it will become stronger once trained. I believe you will definitely be back for the new semester.”

I nodded in agreement, but in my heart, I was uncertain. After talking for a while, as if suddenly remembering something, the teacher pulled out a business card, saying:

“Besides taking medication, have you considered having some counselling? I recently found out that our university has a mental health centre with excellent therapists. Are you interested in checking it out? I can give you a referral.”

Seeing the hesitation on my face, she reassured me, “Don't worry, it’s nothing serious, just some chit-chat and a little mindfulness meditation practice.”

I took the business card without a strong opinion and agreed to let her make the arrangements.

Leaving the building where the Chinese Department was located, I headed towards the library, where I would meet up with Little Poor. On the way, I saw the azalea flowers, which usually bloom during the exam period in April, were already glowing brilliantly in various shades of purple and red. Before long, they would fall and be scattered all over the ground, ending in a pitiful sight. The sooner they bloom, the sooner they wither; how transient beautiful things are!

The library was one of the few places that made me feel especially secure. When I went to find the books I wanted, Little Poor sat in a quiet corner, attending online classes on her laptop. As I walked down those much-missed bookshelf aisles, breathing in the moldy air emitted from the old paper, I felt incredibly rejuvenated, even more so than when frolicking in the park. To prolong this enjoyment as much as possible, I slowed down my pace, allowing my fingertips to brush over each book spine on the shelf. That, I suppose, was the only tenderness and affection I truly understood.

We spent about two hours in the library. I borrowed Zhang Xiumin's The History of Chinese Printing, Life of Liang Fa, The History of Yinghua College, and a few books about the first Protestant missionary to China, Robert Morrison. When we were leaving, Little Poor suggested that we go downhill and eat something at the café outside the university bookstore.

The coffee shop didn’t have a lot of food options, so I chose an egg salad sandwich and hot lemon tea with honey. Little Poor quickly offered to buy it for me. I picked a seat by the window and took out The History of Chinese Printing from my bag, flipping through it randomly. Having turned a page or two, someone sat down in the seat opposite me. I initially thought that Little Poor had returned with my food, but when I looked up, I found it was a boy. I didn’t have time to react before he called my name:

“Sun Fei! Finally, I got to see you!”

It turned out he was Ah Wang. Instead of feeling pleasantly surprised, I was more panicked. I didn’t know if it was because of the mask he was wearing, but his eyes seemed larger, radiating an overly intense gaze. As if being struck by a strong light, I reflexively covered my eyes with my hand.

At this moment, Little Poor returned with a tray in her hands, giving a knowing nod to Ah Wang. I suddenly realized that this was a chance encounter she had delicately arranged. I had no room to object, nor reason to run away, so I had no choice but to reluctantly accept this three-person lunch. Eating in front of Ah Wang without a mask felt as if I was exposing a part of me that shouldn’t be seen, making me blushed furiously. I also dared not look directly at his unmasked face.

Ah Wang did not ask about my recent situation or when I plan to resume classes. Perhaps in an attempt to create a normal atmosphere, he and Little Poor started chatting about their experiences with online classes and software security, and even laughed heartily when sharing related anecdotes. I listened to their conversation as an outsider, unable to participate at all. In fact, I had no desire to join in, anxiously waiting for this awkward situation to end quickly.

I wasn’t upset that Little Poor kept this from me. She created the opportunity for me to meet with my boyfriend, for which I should be thanking her. The problem is, I couldn’t recapture the feelings I once had for Ah Wang as my boyfriend. I didn’t know when or why I lost these feelings. But it wasn’t Ah Wang's fault, and it was certainly not Little Poor's either.

I quietly finished my lunch and hurriedly put my mask back on. Ah Wang suddenly suggested going out for a walk. I thought the three of us would go together, so I obediently stood up. But Little Poor took out her laptop, saying she had some assignment to finish and would catch up with us later. Thus, only Ah Wang and I left the building, walking down the spacious stairs.

At the beginning, we awkwardly kept a distance. He pretended to casually remark that my outfit today had a spring vibe. In fact, I had just randomly picked a light green cotton dress, with no particular effort to dress up. Even if I tried hard to, I couldn't turn into the kind of girl that would make her boyfriend proud. He originally intended to compliment my appearance, but it unintentionally reminded me of my own shortcomings, making me more embarrassed than ever.

After descending the stairs, across the little open space, there was the path leading to Lake Ad Excellentiam. I had strolled down this path with Ah Wang a few times before, where he had given me our first kiss under the cypress by the shore of the lake. Ah, memories surged back like recurring old illnesses, emerging from nowhere, catching me off guard. I remembered his mouth hidden beneath the mask. For some reason, my legs started shaking, and I stumbled, inadvertently moving closer to Ah Wang. He took it as a hint, and like before, he put his arms around my waist. I felt like I was electrocuted, almost going limp.

However, Ah Wang’s destination was not the lake. He was like a celestial body with enormous gravity, and I was like a small asteroid beside it, drawn by him to the left as he changed direction. We were like playing a three-legged race, walking into the main road in a stiff posture, passing by the Architecture Department Building, and going forward. I didn’t know where he wanted to go, but I didn’t ask. I felt a tightness in my chest, difficult to breathe, and couldn’t say a word. He probably thought it was a good time to confess his feelings, and started to speak:

“Sun Fei, after waiting for so long, I finally have the chance to explain to you. I know that you must be misunderstanding me. After your accident, I couldn’t find you and didn’t know that you had attempted suicide. When Little Poor phoned me, I immediately rushed to the hospital. But your father wouldn’t let me see you. I argued with him for a long time, but he wouldn’t budge. I had no choice and was worried about causing you more stress, so I agreed not to see you temporarily. But I kept an eye on your situation through Little Poor. Later, I found out that you were discharged from the hospital and were recuperating at home, so I tried to contact you again, but you had changed your phone number and weren’t online. During that period, as you know, the situation was escalating, and I felt like I was caught in a whirlpool. I couldn’t detach myself and my emotions were in a turmoil.”

I struggled to listen to Ah Wang’s explanation, yet my comprehension was like a fishing net with a hole, letting most of the fish slip away. Perhaps for the sake of convenience while walking, he changed from holding my waist to holding my hand. His hand was warm and strong, yet mine felt as fragile as a twig that could break at any moment.

He continued to say a lot of things I didn’t understand, about the movement or something like that. Unconsciously, we arrived at the intersection of the road and the pedestrian overpass. I rarely came to this side in my memory, nor did I know there was a bridge here. The overpass spanned the highway and railway below, leading to the Science Park. There were guards at the entrance of the bridge, and they had to check everyone who came and went. High iron fences were added to both sides of the bridge, which looked strange and abrupt. I wondered if they were installed to prevent people from jumping off.

“That's the bridge,” he said, with the same tone one might use to reveal the answer to a riddle. But how could I understand the meaning behind the riddle’s solution when I didn’t even know what the riddle was in the first place? I wanted to tell him that I knew nothing about this bridge, but fear of being judged for my ignorance stopped me from speaking up. He didn’t seem to notice my panic, continuing with his description. He talked about a certain night, about a conflict that happened on this bridge, with fires everywhere, tear gas and rubber bullets falling down like torrential rain, the smoke so thick that you couldn’t see your hand in front of you.

“It was truly a hellish sight!” he said, still clearly shaken by the memory.

Looking at that overpass in broad daylight, I could not imagine the scene he described. However, a familiar sense of fear welled up from within again. Ah Wang grabbed my shoulders with both hands, turning me towards him like a puppet. His mask was moving, indicating he was talking, but the meaning of his words seemed to be obstructed, like a virus.

“Sun Fei, I have to confess that I wasn’t by your side during your most difficult times. It was only after things happened that I realized I couldn’t bear to lose you. If you feel that I haven't been caring for you properly, or prioritizing you, please forgive me. I ask you to give me another chance so that we could start over! I will do my utmost to take care of you!”

Ah Wang stared at me intently with a sincere look. His big eyes once fascinated me, but now, being isolated, they exuded an unbearable oppressive force. Instinctively, I wanted to push him away, but I couldn’t break free. My throat was tight, but I knew I had to speak. If I didn’t voice out, releasing this inexplicable thing, I would be crushed to pieces immediately. I took a deep breath and said:

“Ah Wang, I'm sorry! I couldn't fully understand what you said earlier. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I am a sick person. I’m afraid I can’t get any better. I can’t stay in your world. In there, I would definitely not be able to withstand the pressure and your kindness; I would crack and die. I am a girl who is not suitable to be with anyone. I can’t accept love, nor can I give love. The time when you weren’t around, I wasn’t angry at all, instead, I felt at ease. Therefore, you don’t need to care about me now, just act as if I don’t exist, that would be fine. Please find a healthy girl, a girl who will truly suit you, and live a happy life. This is my only request to you. Goodbye!”

When I said those words, the calm, even cold, tone surprised even me. It was as if I was listening to someone else speak. Ah Wang probably didn’t expect such a response and was somewhat stunned. I took the opportunity to pull away while his hand was loose and walked. Fearful that he would catch up, I quickened my pace, but due to my trembling, I nearly fell several times. Only when I was sure he wasn’t following and couldn’t see me, I broke down and cried.

Upon reaching the entrance of the railway station, I found Little Poor waiting for me. Maybe she had gotten a call from Ah Wang and had specially come to intercept me. I was afraid she would speak for Ah Wang, but as soon as she opened her mouth, she apologized to me, saying:

“I’m sorry, Ah Fei, I shouldn’t have forced you to meet him.”

“It’s fine, Little Poor. It’s not a bad thing to have the chance to clear things up.”

“But, won't you consider it?”

“Ah Wang doesn't really like me that much. He’s just feeling guilty.”

“But what about you? How do you feel about him—”

“I can't bring myself to like anyone. Really, I can’t.”

The matter was settled as such. For this closure, my emotions couldn’t calm down for several days. I kept overthinking from morning till night, shedding tears for no reason. I hated my own cowardice, detested my heartlessness. I began to understand that the reason I turned down Ah Wang was because he belonged to the world and I feared the world.

Dad knew that I had met with Ah Wang and, unusually, showed an expression of displeasure. I didn't know why Dad harboured such strong hostility towards Ah Wang. I actually didn’t think Ah Wang was wrong. It was me who was at fault.

In order to suppress negative thoughts, I forced myself to read, and I chose the most boring and tedious books. Regardless of my interest, meaning, function, or even responsibility, I was reading purely as an act to fill a void, going through The History of Chinese Printing word by word, sentence by sentence. The woodblock printing originating from the Tang Dynasty, the movable type from the Song Dynasty...

Then, the character spirits returned. They conversed with me, soothed my heart, and rescued me from the abyss.